Cat Bus Blues

I rode on a bus, late one night When I happened to see a cat bus fight An old weary man had come on board and bought all the transfers he could afford The driver asked whom the transfers were for ‘Cause only the old man came through the door "Why, they are for my friends, don't you see? They are very good and dear to me." Driver drove off, his shift was over soon Why argue with an old bus riding loon The crazy old man yelled, "My name is Gus!" As he wobbled to the end of the long Cat bus At the end of the bus there were five free seats The old bum laying said, "This beats the streets." He was nodding off in a minutes time And that's when I began to write this rhyme. The old man was laying not too far from me And he stank, Dang he stank! Of beer and sweat and pee. Everyone on board, as the old man dozed, Breathed through their mouth as they covered their nose. At one stop a lady tried to get in But the steps were too high and the door too thin So the driver took oil and greased up her butt And squeezed her through as she sucked in her gut She wheezed as she topped the very last stair And I smelled an odor beyond compare It almost overpowered the stench on the bus Given off by our friend who calls himself Gus The scent was escaping from her mouth And blowing towards me which was due south I hadn't closed my nose ‘cause I was writing this down and the stink was so heavy I thought I'd drown The bus seats were full but she'd be damned If she couldn't sit but would have to stand. Being a gentleman I quitted my seat So she could get off her big flat feet. She slowly walked down the narrow hall To my seat which was just too small for this big lady who smelled so bad But then she saw Gus and boy she got mad The driver looked back to the end of the bus As the lady made a fuss and Gus began to cuss "Why're you taking up five seats you dirty old man While you let a poor lady like me stand?" "I paid for these seats, they're rightfully mine!" And he kept on laying as the big lady whined I would have been smiling at this whole event if it wasn't for that God awful scent. Then before my eyes, they began to tussle but against this lady the old man's muscle would surely not carry him through the spat for not even Arnold could lift her fat The driver pulled over to the side of the road to put an end to this episode. He strode on back, to the back of the bus and tried to pull the lady off of Gus He pulled and he tugged to no avail Against this lady he was just too frail Six passengers stood and it took all of us to pull this lady off of Gus When she was off we breathed with relief Only to realize to our grief That we breathed in that disgusting smell Four of us got dizzy and actually fell Gus was laying, little life remaining and only the driver had CPR training I felt sorry for this poor man as he got close to the stink we could barely stand As Gus awoke he cussed and he spat "Why you kissing me, what's with that?" The poor driver with shocked chagrin stood up as spit drooled off his chin. "Old man, you are taking up too much space This poor lady needs to sit some place." "I bought my friends all their transfers and they won't budge so the problem is hers." "What friends? All any of us see is you I think your mind's just a little skew." "My feet, my legs, my back, my arms, my head are all loyal friends who need a seat if not a bed! I paid for their trip and they should have the right to enjoy their rest without a fight!" The big lady shrieked, "You are a loon!" "And you are a fat filled hot air balloon!" The two of them let insults fly The rest of us, we just stood by I got tired of this whole affair So I got off the bus to breathe fresh air I had enough nonsense for the day So I took to walking the rest of the way I thought, "Those two people shouldn't procreate, Their odors too foul and they're full of hate." A few weeks passed and I got on a bus There was the stinky lady and crazy Gus They sat together, I couldn't understand both of them wearing a wedding band.