I rode on a bus, late one night
When I happened to see a cat bus fight
An old weary man had come on board
and bought all the transfers he could afford
The driver asked whom the transfers were for
‘Cause only the old man came through the door
"Why, they are for my friends, don't you see?
They are very good and dear to me."
Driver drove off, his shift was over soon
Why argue with an old bus riding loon
The crazy old man yelled, "My name is Gus!"
As he wobbled to the end of the long Cat bus
At the end of the bus there were five free seats
The old bum laying said, "This beats the streets."
He was nodding off in a minutes time
And that's when I began to write this rhyme.
The old man was laying not too far from me
And he stank, Dang he stank! Of beer and sweat and pee.
Everyone on board, as the old man dozed,
Breathed through their mouth as they covered their nose.
At one stop a lady tried to get in
But the steps were too high and the door too thin
So the driver took oil and greased up her butt
And squeezed her through as she sucked in her gut
She wheezed as she topped the very last stair
And I smelled an odor beyond compare
It almost overpowered the stench on the bus
Given off by our friend who calls himself Gus
The scent was escaping from her mouth
And blowing towards me which was due south
I hadn't closed my nose ‘cause I was writing this down
and the stink was so heavy I thought I'd drown
The bus seats were full but she'd be damned
If she couldn't sit but would have to stand.
Being a gentleman I quitted my seat
So she could get off her big flat feet.
She slowly walked down the narrow hall
To my seat which was just too small
for this big lady who smelled so bad
But then she saw Gus and boy she got mad
The driver looked back to the end of the bus
As the lady made a fuss and Gus began to cuss
"Why're you taking up five seats you dirty old man
While you let a poor lady like me stand?"
"I paid for these seats, they're rightfully mine!"
And he kept on laying as the big lady whined
I would have been smiling at this whole event
if it wasn't for that God awful scent.
Then before my eyes, they began to tussle
but against this lady the old man's muscle
would surely not carry him through the spat
for not even Arnold could lift her fat
The driver pulled over to the side of the road
to put an end to this episode.
He strode on back, to the back of the bus
and tried to pull the lady off of Gus
He pulled and he tugged to no avail
Against this lady he was just too frail
Six passengers stood and it took all of us
to pull this lady off of Gus
When she was off we breathed with relief
Only to realize to our grief
That we breathed in that disgusting smell
Four of us got dizzy and actually fell
Gus was laying, little life remaining
and only the driver had CPR training
I felt sorry for this poor man
as he got close to the stink we could barely stand
As Gus awoke he cussed and he spat
"Why you kissing me, what's with that?"
The poor driver with shocked chagrin
stood up as spit drooled off his chin.
"Old man, you are taking up too much space
This poor lady needs to sit some place."
"I bought my friends all their transfers
and they won't budge so the problem is hers."
"What friends? All any of us see is you
I think your mind's just a little skew."
"My feet, my legs, my back, my arms, my head
are all loyal friends who need a seat if not a bed!
I paid for their trip and they should have the right
to enjoy their rest without a fight!"
The big lady shrieked, "You are a loon!"
"And you are a fat filled hot air balloon!"
The two of them let insults fly
The rest of us, we just stood by
I got tired of this whole affair
So I got off the bus to breathe fresh air
I had enough nonsense for the day
So I took to walking the rest of the way
I thought, "Those two people shouldn't procreate,
Their odors too foul and they're full of hate."
A few weeks passed and I got on a bus
There was the stinky lady and crazy Gus
They sat together, I couldn't understand
both of them wearing a wedding band.